One of the best bluegrass bands I've ever been introduced to is The Fox Hunt out of the eastern panhandle of West Virginia. I first heard of them in 2009 and immediately fell in love with their music, their talent, and their lyrics that ring true not only for musicians but also for many West Virginians. Among my favorites is their song "We Know This Town" - here's a video with that song and another excellent one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h81Hw7q53a0
Last weekend, I listened to this song while painting the study in our house (my Christmas gift to my parents), valiantly failing to ignore the fact that Shepherd students were about to begin another semester in my most recent "Current City" while I remained at home. I spent two years leaving a very special person behind in this town while I flocked off to college, and this semester, I am the one that remains behind while my new friends continue their education (may their degrees prove to be more useful than mine has thus far). As I listened to this fantastic song whose lyrics describe both small towns I traveled between for four and a half years, the reality of this most recent shift in my life really hit home. It took over a month, but I finally got there.
The lyrics to this song bring out the Appalachian spirit that I've nurtured since I discovered it hiding in the depths of my soul shortly after my arrival at Shepherd. Here's a look:
"We know all the mountains and the roads that lead there,
Over and yonder till they vanish into air,
Weeks lost on the highway seems nowhere bound,
By God, we know this town."
I traveled the roads to and from Shepherdstown quite a bit in my four and a half years, and there was one road that always felt like I was really coming or leaving home. It was a highway about halfway between the two towns, and at one point it really did feel like the highway vanished as the mountains loomed either ahead of me like friendly sentinels or in my review mirror patiently awaiting my return.
I traveled these roads in a time where I had no idea where my life was going (hell, I still have no clue). Nowhere Bound, which is the name of this album, seems an ironically appropriate title for the time of my life I'm currently living. For now, I will only travel that road to visit my friends. And that I most certainly will do.
"We know what time the bars shut their doors,
Start puttin' up chairs, moppin' their floors,
It seems we've been traveling strange roads all around,
By God, we know this town."
I was not a bar person until I returned from Costa Rica last spring. During that trip, we spent a fair amount of our evenings enjoying the dancing, the drinks, and the company of one another. I've never traveled with a more interesting group of students. After that return, I still don't "frequent" bars, and most certainly not the bars in Elkins, however, in this last semester The Meck has become a favorite haunt for my college friends and I. So many deep conversations have been had within The Meck's little rooms and in the gardens. Conversations about life, what the future holds (a spectacular topic my last night in town, when I congregated with my friends in the back room of our favorite place in town), what we wanted in life, and most importantly what we've learned from life thus far. These strange roads brought us all together that night, and we've been the ones learning from and leaning on one another as we continue through this unstable time in our lives.
The final verse of this song is what calls up the past for me in a way that it would for very few.
"We know all the shortcuts to the river down the road,
Been to that bridge, water below,
We know all the train tracks we used to walk down,
By God, we know this town."
Both Elkins and Shepherdstown have rivers that feed the life of the people around it. In Elkins, it's the dirty Tygart River, a shallow river through town that grows and becomes wild and dangerous (and for that reason it inspires wonder) as it reaches Arden in Barbour County. Once a river that was important to the timber business in neighboring counties, this river was a favorite place for me to go watch bats fly on summer evenings and snow fall on winter nights. Today, for the first time in a long time, I crossed one of the few foot bridges with a friend, and the memories literally came flooding back.
In Shepherdstown, it is the mighty Potomac that surged alongside Shepherd's campus. For four and a half years, that river and the trails along it were my companions-- I could always escape to them when things became too overwhelming at school. A few hours of night fishing, biking nine miles on the trails, studying the water and the plants for my ecology classes, having nature at my backdoor while at school was a blessing. It was fitting that I'd spend part of my last night on her banks, discussing the same topics that were touched upon at the bar. This semester the great bridge that connects 480 in West Virginia to 34 into Maryland has become a very unnerving and unfortunate place in my mind after the awful loss we experienced.
Those train tracks....oh, those train tracks we used to walk down. Some of my best thinking occurred on those tracks in both towns, though I'm less frightened by the ones in Elkins, which are used by slow moving scenic trains. The tracks in Shepherdstown are more often traveled by high speed freight trains that are magnificent to watch as they rumble across the bridge over the Potomac. I spent many summers in Elkins scrambling across those train bridges, walking those tracks, discussing everything with friends and significant others. Those memories aren't likely to be forgotten any time soon and have certainly been times I've longed for recently.
Word for word, this song represents the two West Virginian towns that have stolen my heart over the years and left me in a crisis that I recognized fully today as I followed my old paths through town, along the train tracks and the river in Elkins- while I live in one town, I will constantly be longing for the other.
For my Shepherd friends that are one week into their next and, for a special few, their last spring semester, best of luck. Enjoy that town while you can, my loves. After our adventures there end and we move on to other places, we'll still be able to look back and say, "By god, we know that town." (how about that for a tacky ending?)
:)
Ringing in the New Year was a lot of fun, even without a cell phone in my hand. I've gone without my phone for almost a week now and I am still alive. I am living proof that someone of our generation will be able to continue converting oxygen into carbon dioxide even without a cell phone attached to his/her being. I know, it's a shocker, and the best part is: no, the phone is not broken, no I am not using this as a punishment for some ungodly sin, and no, the US Cellular's towers are not malfunctioning in Elkins, WV-- at least not so far as I can tell, but with this huge "Arctic Freeze" coming this week, who knows? The best part is I chose to do this on my own. It seems my transition from a regular cell phone to a smart phone is going to be a long, costly, and complicated process, so until I can straighten all of this stuff out, I've opted to turn my phone into an alarm clock. Just one of the many changes that I've devoted myself to (as everyone does this time of year) because y'know what this post is, right? Mandatory New Year's Resolution blog post (I promise to make this as painless as possible!)
I'm really not going to go into too many details about my experiences in 2013. I had many good things, many terrible things, and many interesting things happen, most of which you all probably already know from reading this blog (assuming you have read any of my past posts). January began with warm weather and also with me accepting the changes the previous fall brought to me, like ending a three and a half year relationship, changing majors AGAIN, and trying to decide what, exactly I wanted to do after college. I was unbelievably anxious about returning to Costa Rica in March after four years, but it turned out to be one of the greatest international trips I've ever been a part of. Seriously, if you're having issues in life, go visit Playa Samara for one week. I felt like my mental state was being completely reset, and it was the best week I've ever had, despite the drama that so often accompanies those trips. The end of the spring semester started one of the best summers I've had since my high school graduation summer (09), and I even made it to another beach (which hadn't happened in years until '13). I don't know that I'll be able to revisit Ocean City, MD again without thinking about how great my introductory visit this summer was, but I don't regret the good times. The last semester was full of great disappointments, a couple terribly timed curve balls that shook up my planned future (what exactly is one of those at this point in life anyway?), and some of the best nights with the greatest people on this planet. Christmas Eve I discovered an unexpected visitor in our house. Oh, yeah, and then there was the whole graduating thing.
I'm hoping that this year will be better, not only because I'm starting my first calendar year as a college graduate but also because I now have time to do the things I want. I'm starting a new training style with my lovely pony that I hope will strengthen our already extremely unique bond (hopefully to the point of learning to jump).
I'm planning to join my father's little community band and finally return to playing my clarinet in a concert band setting, of sorts anyway. My list of books to read is infinite. I've started an entertaining, old school correspondence with a best friend at Shepherd, and it's already brightened many days. But mostly I'm hoping I can just get my life in order and figure out where I go from here. I know the job I'm at currently is not a place for me to make a career. I also know that I need to train my sights on places other than the freaking California coast as far as a future goes. This new plan, this new direction, needs to be me one hundred percent. I've already had some fantastic leads to a great future career, so we'll see how they play out. Until then, I'm hoping that I can take some time to do some stuff I want to do, save some money up for future plans, and then jet out of this town toward that career as a writer. I've got some decent material. I just need to sit on it for awhile before I make any big moves.
So Happy New Year, readers. This year, make a resolution or two you may actually stick to for a change. I am. :)
The last night in Shepherdstown was one I'll never forget. I've been back for just over a week now, and I'm still daydreaming about what a hilariously entertaining final night I had. I didn't realize how much I was going to miss everyone until we were all congregated in the back room of our favorite hangout singing "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" at the top of our lungs (with our favorite professor in our midst). I got to meet up with new friends, including my friend from my Aquatic Science classes, and talked about life with a friend who is California-bound. We sang songs, had a few drinks, played some hilarious rounds of "Never have I Ever," and at the end of the night had some extremely emotional farewells. Those were the worst part, I'll not lie. It was hard watching my new best friend walk down the snow covered streets of Shepherdstown, leaving me behind even though I feel like I'm doing the one doing that to her by having officially graduated (I got the confirmation letter today).
Here at home in Elkins, walking the snowy streets after dark is something I love to do. Most of the time hardly any cars are out, and I can walk in the hushed silence as a blanket of snow mutes the outside world. I love going to the river and watching the moonlight on the rapids from the foot bridges.
After my friends left that last night, I wasn't ready to go back to my dorm, and I ended up walking the snowy streets of Shepherdstown with an old friend. It was strange, entertaining, and, I feel, highly appropriate/borderline classically ironic for my last night in town. I literally saw a bit of everything from my 4 1/2 year college career in that one night.
Saying goodbye to friends the next day was difficult, more difficult than my trip home at 12:30 the next day (NEVER try to traverse Martinsburg at lunch hour, especially on a Friday- it took forever to get out of town). When I finally did make it home, I just wanted to curl up with my lovely cat, Ginny, and sleep for a few days.
Alas, that was not an option, but I did get to spend time with my family, see my pony (and start a new form of training with her), visit with friends, rearrange my room, decorate the inside of the house for Christmas, clean out the flowerbeds in the backyard, decorate the exterior of our house for Christmas, and begin my new job as a bookkeeper at a bank. Yeah, I've been slightly busy since my return home, but my rearranged room is awesome! It even has Christmas lights. :)
Speaking of returns, if I have one more person tell me, "Welcome to the real world," I fear I will no longer be responsible for my actions (again, just figurative language of course). What a lot of the people I've spoken to do not seem to understand is that as new college graduates we are not taking our first unsteady steps into the foreign and blinding world of bills, vehicle payments, and career opportunities. Most students work at least part-time to maintain an income while taking courses. The best friend I left last week? She has a house, a car, a job an hour away, and two dogs in addition to a family that lives in the area. Almost all of those things cost money at one time or another. Oh, yeah, and she's an amazing student....I mentioned that right? Another good friend of mine that just graduated with me in December is raising her kids at the same time. Life has changed quite a bit since most of my well-wishers have been in school (those that went in the first place), and I don't think they realize how insulting their congratulatory cliche can be to those that have busted their butts to afford the loan payments they will be saddled with for the next 10 years (minimum) of their lives. It's not a welcome to the real world I need-- it's a welcome back.
And speaking of being back and continuing the work I was a part of before/during college, I have started a new training style with Kit that with only one session under our belt has already proven entertaining and successful. It's a type of liberty training, and basically all I'm doing is lunging her without any ropes or halters involved. I say it was entertaining because Kit pitched an almighty fit at the beginning of the session, rearing, bucking, and loping around the paddock before settling into nice trot and circling me. By the end, I could move the circle and she'd keep me at the center. She'd also come into the middle when I signaled to her and went back out in the opposite direction when I sent her away. I was impressed with how good she made me look.
It wasn't without her fits though, which made me laugh and made for some really great photos. At the end of our session, my friend and I took the horses out for a short stroll, and I rode bareback-- my first time out on the road/trails bareback since I got this horse almost four years ago. It was quite an achievement.
I'm happy to be home but sad to leave my friends behind. I'm determined to return to Shepherdstown as much as I possibly can during the spring semester (it's going to take a while before I stop referring to the year in terms of semesters). Until then, I wish all of my friends over there, and all of you reading this piece from wherever you are, a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or a Happy December the 25th, depending on what/if you celebrate. How about a girl and her cat around the Christmas tree to top off this holiday blog post?
This post is devoted to the people, the events, and the tragedies that made up my final semester as an undergraduate. The quotes may not mean much to those readers who don't know these wonderful people or the amazing classes I was enrolled in, but this was the best way I could think to sum up my final semester. So hats off to this final week of finals.
American Literature:
The hilariously enthusiastic professor:
Commenting on a student's past place of work: "Exxon? They break stuff...like the world..."
On Emerson's Self Reliance: "Dude, let me enjoy it!"
On the end of Walden: "You can be the bug!"
Questions Hester's decision to return at the end of The Scarlet Letter: "Why didn't she leave? Where would she go? Hop on a Grey Hound? ....a literal gray dog at that time, by the way..."
On Eva and Tom's friendship in Uncle Tom's Cabin: "She steals his Christ thunder."
A list of instructions on how to avoid blame for the death of someone (jokingly of course) with reference to
Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue": "First, rent an orangutan. Next, teach it to shave..."
On Kate Chopin's setting in "The Storm": "Ye olde 7/11."
On the "catch all" essay question as an option for our final: *dramatic voice* "My final is a dance."
On Pudd'nhead Wilson: "What's so fascinating is that this book is a mess! Messiness can be good!"
Student's response: "Remember that when you grade our final essays."
Most important quote of the semester from this professor: "...ask for help, lean on each other, and know that you are loved."
I'm going to miss that class and that professor so much.
Spanish III:
The disdainful, yet incredibly attractive, Spanish professor from Alicante:
"Love is always temporary."
Yeah, Spanish class was pretty straight forward.
Greek Mythology:
The amazing professor that considers it his life mission to open every person's eyes to the world around them:
On mythology:
"We all have a gene for hair, but we have different hair. We all have myths, but the myths are different."
"What is a dragon but a woman with wings?"
"Are myths reflections of the anxieties of society the way dreams are reflections of our own anxieties?"
"Stories- do they help us understand life or do they help us escape it? We constantly distract ourselves from processing our anxieties."
"Behind every hero is the ego of an author."
On life/mythology:
"This is what makes us different- we have a should."
"Laughter happens at the moment that you've just saved yourself from the abyss."
"You can only laugh when it's not painful anymore."
"When you get to know someone almost always they are not who you though they were."
On a dramatic reading of Antigone: "I'm the leader...you guys be the prophets!"
Student on reading "Medea": "In the beginning I pity her, but then she came in like a wrecking ball...."
The Ups:
"You can start on Monday, December 16th."
"Congratulations on completing your Capstone presentations."
"You two are both superheroes for getting through these last several months."
The Downs:
"We've got different goals in mind."
"Feel free to come visit."
"You're perfect in every way..."
Counselor in a false cheery voice:"Congratulations on your graduation."
Me, in response: "Congratulations on having $30,000 worth of student loans."
One of the most painful experiences in my life: "Dear Students, I am deeply saddened to share with you...."
And finally, the friends without whom I'd never have survived this semester:
My fellow Appalachian, country girl that always has my back:
"Pickles are liars."
Our favorite drink at the Lost Dog in Shepherdstown: "Wet dogs- or moist canines."
On the night we tore up Knutti Hall looking for her car keys: "After this night, I need a drink. TO THE MECK!!!"
"Heading to Montana, with either mountain men or no men. Either one is fine with me."
The middle of finals week, talking to the tree outside the Lost Dog- there's a pattern forming when it comes to the strange things we say in this place: "Tree! You're so pretty and I want to hug you, but you're wet, soo...."
Me on leaving the Lost Dog (a tea shop) and returning to campus: "I stepped into a strange world, if only briefly."
The man that I can always rely on for a good in depth conversation about the most recent episodes:
Back and forth on Facebook messaging while watching the Supernatural mid-season finale:
Me: "AHHHH!! WTF WTF!!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF!!!!!!!"
Him: "I feel...Hurt and empty....I'm crying."
"La vie Boheme!"
And then as the first person I see after hearing about the death of our friend: "Did you check your email? Are you okay?" <- that second question meant so much to me
The goofy roommates:
The computer engineering roommate as she works on splitting the screen between the TV and her laptop: "I broke the computer!"
Before each and every movie, TV show, VGX awards show we watched together: "POPCORN!!"
Watching the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead: "Duunn...duuunn....duunnn...duunn..." (singing along to the governor's theme)
The roommate of two years whose advice I could not survive without:
"Let me sing you the SONG OF MY PEOPLE!!" (proceeds to play kazoo version of The Hobbit's "Misty Mountains")
Her response to me bitching about the main character of my Capstone novella refusing to cooperate and tell me his life story (because our characters tell us their story and we write them down and she responded as only a fellow writer could): Oh, he's just trying to be difficult.
The new friend whose "catch up conversations" I'm going to miss dearly next semester:
Me mimicking the religious man (screaming a sermon of hellfire and brimstone to the entirety of East Campus) by shouting dramatically at a friend across the street: "Are you ready for His coming?! Are you ready?!"
His very serious response after a look of confusion: "No, I've got more important things to worry about like my calculus grade."
"Here we go with that subservient thing again."
My response: :p usually after a round of speechless sputtering
Walking to the library, just talking about life: "For what you and I want, we're going to have to leave our families and our friends behind."
Me: "That's gonna be the hard part."
I couldn't make it through this semester without those that dealt with the tears, the expletives, and supplied the smiles and laughter that drove me through this last semester. They say you make friends in college that will never leave you. I'm hoping that holds true when it comes to these people. Thanks for an amazing final semester, despite the tragedies that each of us faced. I'm not sure how I'm going to make the transition into this next part of my life, but I'm dragging the relationships we've made with me. I promise you all that. :)
I've returned to school after a busy Thanksgiving week and, as usual, I did not gotten nearly as much work completed as I wanted to. :( I have zero discipline when it comes to working on school assignments at home-- I have no idea how I did it for the twelve years before college. It was nice working on what assignments I did work on with a cat or two curled up at my feet or on the couch next to me.
I mean, look at that face! How can you work with this little girl snuggled up next to you?
Thanksgiving week consisted of doing some goofy stunts with my horse, watching Catching Fire with my best friend, celebrating my first snowfall of the season, and spending plenty of time with my family. On Monday, I went to visit my horse, hoping I could get some cool pictures of the two of us. Since I was by myself, I set my camera up on a tripod, put the setting on a timer, and then rode Kit around the camera to start the timer. It was quite the entertaining trick. Kit, of course, had no idea why I kept riding her in circles, but she did what I wanted her to, and her only opposition was prancing and threatening to buck once or twice. It resulted in some good photos, and after a few test shots, she seemed to enjoy the challenge, especially since I was riding bareback, and she had a halter with connecting reins for a bridle. We ended up with some really amazing photos.
Going to see Catching Fire was such an enjoyable afternoon. My friend and I spent lunch catching up, and then made our way to the movie theater. The movie was amazingly difficult to watch because of how much it reminded me of southern West Virginia- our coal country. I can't wait for Mockingjay to come to theaters. The rest of my week consisted of working on my homework, reading a book or two, and decorating our Christmas tree after Thanksgiving. I can happily report that I did not take part in Black Friday or Grey/Brown Thursday (which by the way already has a name: THANKSGIVING!!!). In fact, I was so disgusted with how people act when it comes to shopping at this time of year that I can't even express it in words. I have no idea what kind of intense desire to to give gifts drives someone to use a taser: "I want to give that gift more than you do!" -_- I'll jump off of the tangent train there.
Yesterday, I completed and then presented my Senior English Capstone to the Honors Program. I have a second presentation tomorrow, in front of the English Department. The semester is definitely winding down. Only a few major papers, one creative writing project (for Greek Mythology) and two finals separate me from "the real world." I can't wait..........
Being back at home was interesting. Things are just beginning to change there. Trying to decide how I'm going to deal with the transition back home has been difficult. I have a feeling that what I've been expecting my return home to be like is far from what will be the immediate future. I did get a job over break, so at least that's covered. I have a feeling I'll be writing this blog beyond my graduation in two weeks. Transitioning won't be easy, but it's something that I think needs to be written. I'm actually beginning to realize the things about this campus and even college life in general that I'm going to be missing in two weeks. New friends are at the top of that list.
It seems the roller coaster ride of the final semester in college saves its fastest loops and largest dips for the homestretch. In the past week, I've gone from considering grad school to forgetting about it, considering a second degree to forgetting about it, and from thinking that loan payments would be manageable to wanting to "ring some necks" in the financial aid office (I use that figurative phrase figuratively! It is meant to exhibit my frustration with the attitudes I encountered while fulfilling a graduation requirement today and nothing more--italics are meant only for emphasis, not for sarcasm.)
Our university has decided that exit counseling (an online service through studentloans.gov) should no longer be a requirement that is completed online at the student's convenience. Instead, the graduating seniors are required to schedule an appointment with the Financial Aid office to complete the online counseling with an aid officer literally looking over their shoulders. "It's an attempt to educate graduates and prevent them for defaulting on their loans," I was told when I got enough nerve to ask why they had changed their policy regarding this counseling during my appointment this past Monday. A.K.A.? They feel the need to babysit upcoming graduates, and while I don't mind being helped or informed, there's something seriously insulting about having someone sit behind me as I read information about loans and wait impatiently for me to finish the counseling-- she even pointed out where answers were in the text when I was taking "too long" to read the information. I don't do well with anything when I have someone over my shoulder- reading, writing, school work, anything. Add to this the fact that she required me to sign up for the loan payment that would enable me to repay the loans the quickest but also had the highest payment per month (over $300/month, how many new graduates can afford that and still afford basic essentials??) and I think it's fair to say I was a little more than annoyed during this appointment. I repeatedly scoffed about amounts, directly addressed her side comments about my change of major and my reluctance to enter the workforce with an English: Creative Writing degree, and at the end had to bite my tongue to stop the response to her, "Congratulations on completing your degree!!" from making it past my lips.
After I left the office, I had to distract myself in order to not "fly off the handle"as Galinda says to Elphie in the musical WICKED. That meant a lot of walking, ranting, cussing, and even crying. Watching the roommates play video games where they could shoot things helped a little, too. I also discovered that my recently hatched plan to return for a second Bachelor's in Environmental Science was- to use the expression of my Aquatics professor- "squelched" because the course/credit requirements required that I return to school for a minimum of two years (not one year like I initially thought) and because I was told during my frustrating financial aid meeting that the only "aid" I would recieve would be additional loans.........AND THIS WAS ONLY MONDAY.
This week was also filled to the brim with academic assignments (we have officially hit the moment when professors start screaming, "Oh, shit! I don't have enough grades in the book!! Assign alllllll the homework!!!!!!" I'd just barely complete one assignment on time before rushing off to scribble out another paper, another research assignment, a Spanish exercise, and most important of all, my senior Capstone project- which I will present in just over two weeks in order to graduate in December. It's been an absolute mess trying to complete two versions of this Capstone (required for the English Department as well as the Honors Program), but as of Wednesday night, I was given the very solid deadline of next Thursday.... by next Thursday, the Honors version of my Capstone must be completed. So, by next Thursday, for better or worse, the stupid thing will be done.
My project consists of three original Appalachian short stories (one with plans to be expanded into a novella) and a reflective paper on the creative writing process. I'm interested to see how my chaotic trips to various settings, continual playing of iTunes playlists in the background while writing, and recent personal events influence this project. This weekend is my last chance to knock this thing out of the park, and it's only the fact that I'm writing about the place I love, my West Virginia, that keeps me from becoming so overwhelmed I can no longer function.
Though this coming next week is the homestretch for my Senior Capstone, it certainly isn't the end of my remaining classes, all of which have their own demands. But hey, that's what Thanksgiving Break is for right? .......right????....... I can promise that my break will include no "academic break" other than on Thursday, when I'll spend the day at my aunt and uncle's farm in Seneca Rocks, eating amazing food, being surrounded by wonderful people, and relaxing in the beautiful mountains. Hopefully being back home will remind me why I chose Appalachian fiction at my Senior Capstone-- because I love my small town and her natural beauty.
But before I begin this week-long cram session before the last two weeks of my semester, I am planning to have some fun in the form of attending a production of the musical RENT with some amazing friends. This semester would have been impossible to get through without them- they've handled the breakdowns, the tears, the terrifying confessions, and the rants and still managed to keep me going. So next Friday, after the Capstone has been turned in, and I've loaded up my car for Thanksgiving break, I'm taking a night to myself and my friends before coming home and kicking my mile-long homework list in the butt. And it will be awesome. :)
Last Friday was one of the hardest days I've experienced in my 4 1/2 years as a Shepherd Student.
It seems that this year was determined to be riddled with hardships, and it certainly has been.... for many people. This blog is not going to be me whining and complaining about how difficult life has been, but rather it will be about the strength I've drawn from these unfortunate events.
Late last Thursday night Shepherd lost a very talented, bright, and kind young man. The news reached most of the students in the English Department on Friday (the student was an English minor, set to graduate with me in December, and had been a student in a great number of my literature classes- including one this semester) and the atmosphere around Knutti Hall, our building, was one of reverent silence. When I arrived on campus shortly after seeing the student-wide email announcing that counseling services would be available for those affected by this loss, the change in the normally casually-friendly atmosphere was immediately evident. I met a friend at the street corner, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Did you check your email?" I nodded yes and immediately my vision blurred with tears.
That was my day-- fighting tears everywhere I went-- until my American Literature class, the one I shared with that young man. We slowly filed into the room, hardly anyone speaking and then only in whispers, no laughter (of which he almost always took part in before class started). We couldn't look at each other. When our professor came into the room, what little noise there was died, save the people that kept sniffling, just trying to breathe.
What our professor said to us during that nearly unbearable class on that most awful day made me realize that I know I made the right choice in attending a small school like Shepherd University. She told us about the counseling services, qualified her involvement by saying that she was not a counselor (which I found extremely professional and admirable), and then proceeded to tell us how much she and the other professors cared about each and every one of us. "You are loved," she said. She had barely made it three sentences in before the majority of us could no longer fight the tears. We sat in silence, listening to her talk about how our friend was a talented man, a compassionate man. "This sucks." This was the thing she said to us that really stuck in my mind. It's unbelievably simple, but it certainly wasn't an understatement. The simplicity of this sentence just symbolized the fact that we could not alter what had happened, that we were helpless against this tragedy. "Just keep doing what you're doing: ask for help, lean on each other, and know that you are loved." There was no fluff that came from her, and as she allowed us to say what we needed to (many in our class knew him quite well), I felt a great rush of admiration and thankfulness for her actions. A few students talked about his influence and his personality, one even told the perfect anecdote about our friend trying toaster strudels for the first time.
In short, we leaned upon one another and eventually made it to the point where we had temporarily stopped the tears (the toaster strudel story got many laughs because it described our friend's delightful character so perfectly). The strength we drew from one another helped me greatly, though it didn't keep me from going back to the dorm after class and sleeping for multiple hours. It is unfortunate that it takes a tragedy to bring people together, but there is something incredible about the way we rally for one another in times of hardship. This semester has consisted of many heartbreaks: the forever loss of not one, but two friends; the train wreck back home where a man died; more recently at home a house fire that killed four children and their father; a different fire that altered a relative's life permanently (even if his wife makes it through her injuries). After learning of the loss at Shepherd, I was ready to scream into the sky, "WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?! Enough is enough," as I walked back across campus to my dorm after that emotionally draining class. When I entered the common room, my roommate had the news channel on, covering the BREAKING NEWS story of the shooting in the international airport. I'm pretty sure at that point I did shout something to the effect of enough is enough before I crawled into my bed.
Losing my resolve again even after the time in our literature class, I made it to the woods Sunday with another friend. We spent the morning hiking, jumping from rock to rock, and criss-crossing the creek by way of fallen logs. Something about being in nature, where I feel most like a "species" rather than a special type of non-animal, humbles me and gives me comfort. Thoreau, in Walden, said it well when he spoke of the ponds: "Talk of heaven! ye disgrace earth." I ignored any religious thoughts as I drank in the chilly air, took copious amounts of photos, and allowed my eyes to rove continuously over the trees, the leaves, the moss covered rocks, the shallow creek. I felt myself being purified from the tragedies of the last three months. This time, the strength I feel, the drive to pick up life and carry on with what I want to accomplish, is sticking. And when I stop to think about my friend, thinking of his laughter in class and how he will never be able to laugh like that again, I hear my professor's caring tone. "You are loved."
You are loved. Despite how things feel, how desperate we may get or how stressed out we may become, we are still loved, and we have people to lean on through the hard times. As I said the day we found out about our friend, "We are strong, and we will make it through this."
